There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
