Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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