her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
