I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
