DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
