So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.