wrigley field is MILF paradise
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.