i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
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