someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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