I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
