I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just google imaged poop.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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