We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
there's paper in my vomit.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
