I'm so fucking centered right now
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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