Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
