Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
