did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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