I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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