Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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