If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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