Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
