I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You can't just leave with hair like that
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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