I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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