Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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