why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
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The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.