There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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