I puked a lego.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
