i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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