I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
