Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
