i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
