There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
