The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
