I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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