So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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