my vag is so smooth its legendary
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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