We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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