Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
