so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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