what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
