Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
