Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
