how can u be prego again
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
