That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
