I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
