wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
