it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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