Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
