saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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