i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my being single is dangerous.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
