They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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