Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
