I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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