Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I have fence marks all over my body
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
