So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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