I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
