I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
