remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
