Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
