He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
