oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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