im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
