YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
